Tuesday, December 1, 2015


The Pittsburgh Penguins celebrated an 0-0-2 weekend against the worst team in each conference by promoting Sidney Crosby to their 3rd line for tonight’s game in San Jose. Crosby, the pylon, and the orange traffic barrel all expressed excitement at their reunion.

“We’ve had some great chemistry in the past,” said the pylon. “I think especially when I’ve been thrown in the box for taking idiotic penalties at the worst possible time, we’ve really been able to not suck as much.”

The Pens’ new and improved 3rd line has combined for 10 goals this season, or as many as some dude named Leo Komarov, who may or may not be the old Zamboni driver from Neville Ice Arena on the South Side.

“The leadership that orange traffic barrel shows on- and off-the ice is an important part of why we think he can bring something to this unit,” explained Head Coach In Way Over His Head Johnston. 

“We’ve reached the point where we don’t really expect Sid’s line to score anymore, so if orange traffic barrel can just stand up and yell some really inspirational stuff on the bench or in the room, that’d be great.”

Crosby, who doesn’t seem to be suffering any ill effects from the NHL-approved spinal graphite massage he received from Brandon Dubinsky Friday night, stated his preference for pylon and orange traffic barrel dates back to when he could remember his own name.

“These two are something, and me with hockey and the brain sandwich, salmon fuzzy mayonnaise on the side, please.”

Puck-drop between the Penguins and Sharks is scheduled for sometime after you’ve gone to sleep tonight because nobody gives two $#!+s about terrible hockey played at an ungodly hour. All those in attendance at hp Pavilion will receive a Brent Burns Fuzzy Pillow Pet that can be used to either take a nap through the 2 ½ hours of insomnia-curing “hockey,” or to simply smother themselves before they’re forced to actually watch any.


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