The Pittsburgh Penguins celebrated an 0-0-2 weekend against
the worst team in each conference by promoting Sidney Crosby to their 3rd
line for tonight’s game in San Jose. Crosby, the pylon, and the orange traffic barrel
all expressed excitement at their reunion.
“We’ve had some great chemistry in the past,” said the
pylon. “I think especially when I’ve been thrown in the box for taking idiotic
penalties at the worst possible time, we’ve really been able to not suck as
much.”
The Pens’ new and improved 3rd line has combined
for 10 goals this season, or as many as some dude named Leo Komarov, who may or
may not be the old Zamboni driver from Neville Ice Arena on the South Side.
“The leadership that orange traffic barrel shows on- and
off-the ice is an important part of why we think he can bring something to this
unit,” explained Head Coach In Way Over His Head Johnston.
“We’ve reached the
point where we don’t really expect Sid’s line to score anymore, so if orange traffic barrel can
just stand up and yell some really inspirational stuff on the bench or in the
room, that’d be great.”
Crosby, who doesn’t seem to be suffering any ill effects from the NHL-approved spinal graphite massage he received from Brandon Dubinsky Friday night, stated his preference for pylon and orange traffic barrel dates back to when he could remember his own name.
“These two are something, and me with hockey and the brain
sandwich, salmon fuzzy mayonnaise on the side, please.”
Puck-drop between the Penguins and Sharks is scheduled for sometime after you’ve gone to sleep tonight because nobody gives two $#!+s about terrible hockey played at an ungodly hour. All those in attendance at hp Pavilion will receive a Brent Burns Fuzzy Pillow Pet that can be used to either take a nap through the 2 ½ hours of insomnia-curing “hockey,” or to simply smother themselves before they’re forced to actually watch any.
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